Last week somebody told me about a guy who was unbearably cruel to an animal. It's stuck in my head since then, I can't shake it. She wasn't even trying to illustrate a point about this guy, or relate it to anything - she just wanted to tell me about cruelty. The story wasn't good for me. It hurt.
I've been doing the same thing here. It's one wounded animal after another and the stories aren't doing anyone any good. I have to stop because it's all I think about and it's making me feel desolate all the time. I can't be making it worse. If I can't say anything nice, at all, ever, I might just have to shut up for a while rather than drive more miserable stories out into the world. Here: I know a hundred utterly unloved children who are slowly becoming bitter jerks and I can't fix any of their lives. That's what my blog will be for the next forever if I don't shut it off now.
I'm no disgusting sunshine fairy but I'm going to have to do my best to focus on the rare moments where I don't feel like I'm going to crumble from frustration or grief.
In that spirit, I give you:
1. A new co-worker (splendid miracle: we hired someone) who does not appear to suck. Sure, she's "enthusiastic" and makes my ears bleed a little, and it is true that she said "If I can just change one child's life for the better, it's all worth it!!!" (punctuation hers, this is defintely a three-exclamation-points kind of special lady), which did make me want to kill or die, BUT what I choose to focus on is the fact that there was a table thoroughly shellacked with peanut butter and jelly, and she cleaned it up before I even remembered there was a mess. And she says things like, "How can I help?" "Just let me know what I can do" and "Can I help you carry that?" And she really loves her kid and her kid is a sweetheart and that means a great deal. And having her on staff means I am now allowed to leave the kids for that holiest of holy moments, which I had been missing for so long, the bathroom break.
2. When I came home yesterday there were people on the landing talking to people down below on the ground. This beautiful woman with a head full of dreads and a long orange dress, enormously pregnant, called up to a guy who said Lawd, look who's here. What you been up to? She laughed and said, Havin a baby. He ran down the stairs yelling DAMN, girl! Knocked yo ass UP! and they rubbed her big orange belly together.
