brannon i have a feeling you get this too

I don't know what is wrong with my face but strangers immediately tell me all kinds of things. I know about Eddie at the post office's upcoming cruise to Alaska (prediction: FAAABulous!) and what the nametagless post office lady ordered the last time she went to Red Lobster (fish!). Fabric store Miss Hattie loves oatmeal cream pies, how the FUCK does that even come up in conversation, but it did. Mitch at Trader Joe's has talked me all the way from the register to the exit door, more than once. Sean at Trader Joe's recommends Vermont, should I ever have to choose which New England state to visit, AND HERE'S WHY.

It's usually wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I do wonder how many calories I have burned over the course of my life, edging away from people. Last week some tiny old lady in a red hat l i t e r a l l y told me about her ass rash for no reason, like there's ever a good reason.

But yesterday I was gossiped around, and eventually gossiped with, by two black women at the fabric store. One of them kept laughing and shaking her head and saying, "white ladies!" in the way women sometimes say, "men!" and she was looking right at me, like, am I right or what? She was right, white ladies so crazy. Then I saw a very fat policeman directing traffic through insane construction on Piedmont. His whole face was obscured by aviator shades and a massive gray mustache. I thought he was checking his watch but instead, I swear to you he was doing the robot in the middle of the street. I think I live in a charmed world.