I Was a Male War Bride (1949)

The worst we expected was the faux-innocent dumbness of Desk Set, and maybe a little slapstick. We didn't realize this movie would be bad enough to challenge Breakfast at Tiffany's for the title of Biggest Pile Ever.

I expected better from Cary Grant. Cary Grant is why we chose this movie in the first place, and he did deliver the usual witty business in a few scenes. But these scenes are brief and come cruelly early, and then there's the whole rest of the thing to sit through.

The female lead (Ann Sheridan) expects doors held open for her, applies lipstick mid-motorcyle ride, and orders men around ("Get my bags."). None of this bothers me; it's just the forties talking. What's painful is the way nobody even tried to make this a real character. She's a U.S. Army lieutenant, but she's just hopeless with a map, tee hee! It's like the director said, "Hey kid, we've got to lead up to this one line of witty banter somehow. Can you act like a total brain-dead retard for about fifteen minutes?" The punchline is hardly ever worth it.

And, as much as I love Cary Grant, dude, if you're supposed to be playing a Frenchman and you don't even attempt a French accent (or plausibly explain why you don't have one), this is not something I can blame on the script or the director.

The entire story revolves around red tape and paperwork. For a while, the "action" follows an envelope as it travels between various offices and inboxes. I think it was then that Logan started whimpering and I started moaning. About half an hour before the end of this crapfest, Cary Grant starts checking his watch. ME TOO.

This movie takes over an hour to even get around to justifying its title and then it will not stop beating on it like the deadest horse of all time.

ARMY OFFICIAL: I'm sorry sir, I can't allow you and your wife to sleep in the same quarters / travel on the same train / emigrate to the US.

ANN SHERIDAN: but we're married and I'm in the Army and this is my new French husband from France.

ARMY: HUH WHA???!!!?!?!? THAT SO CRAZY!!!!!!!

CARY GRANT: totally serious. can i get laid pls

ARMY: but you're not a war bride, you are a war husband. I just can't wrap my brain around this concept!!!!!!!!

Repeat about thirty times, I am not kidding. Spare yourself.

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p.s. I just found out this movie shares a star (Grant), a director (Howard Hawks), and a screenwriter (Charles Lederer) with His Girl Friday, which was really good. What hell?